An apology

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Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been a little lax in posting the last week or so, compared to previously, and I’m here to apologise. I’ve been struggling with my various mental health issues recently and that’s made it difficult to find either the energy or the enthusiasm to provide regular posts while keeping up with my writing and editing.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m cringing at every loud noise from the TV and it’s taken me all day to recover from a trip to the shops this morning where I nearly had a panic attack and was left almost in tears for most of the afternoon.

To make up for this lack, I’ve decided to give you all a preview of my new book, Written In Blood, it’s been quite a while since I did so, I hope you like it.


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Emily was on her bed, reading a book, one eye on the clock on her bedside cabinet so she wouldn’t be late putting the potatoes on, when she heard the vehicle pull into the yard outside. Pushing herself up, she craned her head round to look out the window to see who it was; it was too early for it to be her dad or her brother, they were unlikely to get home until just before dinner was ready to be served.

The moment she saw the Land Rover in the yard she leaped to her feet, pleased that Zack Wild had returned. As pleased as she was, she was also more than a little nervous. She knew she had caught Zack by surprise earlier, she had caught herself by surprise as well, to such an extent that she had forgotten to grab her bag when she got out of his car; she had now had enough time to think about what she had done and realise what a fool she had made of herself.

On her way out of the bedroom and down the stairs, Emily imagined the possible reasons for his return: he could be there to return her bag, or he could be there to make sure she was not going to tell anyone what had happened between them; he might even be there because he had changed his mind about what he had said earlier.

She hesitated with her hand on the front door catch, a little reluctant to open the door and discover how her next encounter with Zack Wild was going to go. After almost half a minute had passed, she took a deep breath, summoned her courage, and opened the door so she could step out into the yard.

Zack was nowhere to be seen. Emily had thought to find him outside the front door, about to ring the bell, but he wasn’t there. She looked around the yard, but couldn’t see him, which made no sense to her; she couldn’t think where he might have gone. She walked to each corner of the house to see if he had gone round one of the sides for some reason, but there was no sign of him. Bewildered, she walked to where the Land Rover had been parked in the middle of the yard.

She wasn’t normally the sort of person to go rummaging around in someone’s car without permission, it wasn’t polite, but on this occasion she thought herself justified in doing so since she was after her bag. Her bag wasn’t where she had left it, though. It should have been in the foot-well in front of the passenger seat, but it wasn’t there. Not sure why the bag wasn’t there, she leaned further into the vehicle so she could search under the passenger seat, where she found a number of items, none of which were her bag.

The desire to find out more about the man who lived down the road, and with whom she had made such a fool of herself, made her take out each item in turn so she could examine it. She discovered little, other than that Zack Wild was messier than she had previously thought, at least initially; the first few items she pulled out were a road map of the county, an empty crisp packet, a couple of chocolate wrappers, and a hammer – she had no idea why he had a hammer under the passenger seat, it seemed a strange thing for him to have there, but it wasn’t as strange as the next thing she pulled out, a pink mobile phone.

For several long moments, Emily simply stared at the phone in her hand; the phone was familiar to her, she was sure she had seen it before, but she knew it wasn’t Zack’s. She couldn’t work out where it was she knew the phone from, and that annoyed her because she was sure it was important; it came back to her in a flash, whose phone it was and where she had seen it before, when the voice sounded from behind her.

“What are you doing?” The voice that uttered the question was curious, but evidenced no concern, not until she turned round and its owner saw the phone in her hand. “Where did you get that? Give it to me,” he demanded, holding out a hand insistently.

In an instant Emily knew who had killed Georgina Ryder, and Lucy Goulding, and it was the last person she would have thought of. So great was her shock that she was left frozen to the spot, unable to react to her discovery except by standing there and staring at him in slack-jawed shock. Only when he lunged at her, demanding, “Give me that phone, you nosey bitch,” did she recover the ability to move.

At the last second, right before his grasping hand closed around her wrist, Emily twisted away. She felt a small amount of satisfaction when his momentum carried him into the side of the Land Rover, which he collided with heavily, but didn’t allow that to stop her racing across the yard to the still open front door. Once she was through the door, she slammed it closed and, with fumbling fingers, dropped the catch; she didn’t suppose that was going to keep him outside for long, but any delay was good.

When the front door, against which she was leaning, shook under the impact of something heavy, Emily left it and hurried up the stairs. Her fingers continued to show little willingness to properly obey the commands they were being given by her brain as she sought to unlock Georgina Ryder’s phone – she had seen it previously in the hands of her brother’s girlfriend, which was why she had found it familiar from the moment she picked it up – and call her father. She was beginning to think the phone was dead, after all it was more than a week since it must have been lost, when the screen lit up; unfortunately, that was as far as she got for Georgina had her phone secured with a password.

She was struck by a moment of inspiration as she closed the door to her bedroom with a bang and twisted the key in the old-fashioned lock.

The relief she felt when Georgina’s birthday unlocked the phone was amazing, she had never felt anything so powerfully before. That relief quickly disappeared, however, when she got no answer from her father’s number. Again and again she tried to get hold of her father, while she listened with one ear to the front door being smashed open, followed by the thunder of footsteps on their way up the stairs.

“Come on, dad,” Emily pleaded to the phone she had pressed to her ear so hard it was liable to stay there even after she let go of it. “Pickup, pickup, pickup. Where are you when I need you?” When the thunderous footsteps reached the top of the stairs and stopped, only to be followed by a crash as something heavy slammed into the door of the bedroom, Emily abandoned her efforts to contact her father and instead dialled the number for Oakhurst’s police station. She hoped, while dialling, that the solid, and old, oak door that she had always hated would prove to be strong enough to keep out Georgina and Lucy’s killer; so far it had stood up to the job – it shook and shuddered within its frame, but remained secure.

More than she feared being murdered, if it was possible for her to fear something more than that, she feared what he might do to her before he killed her. As she had told Zack on the drive back to the village, she knew what Sergeant Mitchell believed had been done to Georgina and Lucy before they were killed. Until about five minutes ago, she wouldn’t have believed that someone she knew so well could be capable of either rape or murder, and she certainly wouldn’t have believed Him capable of doing committing either act on her; having seen His face when he tried to get the phone from her, though, she found herself scared that he was prepared to do anything, to anyone, including her.

Sturdy the door might be, sturdy enough it wasn’t. Once, twice, three times, He threw his body against the door, and on the fourth time it burst open in a shower of splinters that made Emily duck for fear of being struck. When she straightened up, she saw the menacing figure of the man she had cared about approaching her through the ruins of her door. His face was a twisted, barely recognisable, mask of rage that made her tremble so badly she could barely keep hold of the phone.

“Gimme the phone,” he demanded in a voice that was so harsh and full of so much hatred that  it combined with the look on his face to give him an air of insanity.

Emily could only wonder how it was that she had not seen before how crazy he was. It didn’t seem possible that he could have concealed what kind of person he was from her for so long; not only from her, but from everyone who knew him. Someone should have seen through the act he was putting on, she thought during the millisecond or so where she was able to think with some semblance of clarity.

“I said gimme the fucking phone.”

Emily twisted away as he lunged for her and the phone she was holding. She tried to slip past him and out of the room, thinking that she if she could get out of the house without getting caught, she stood a chance of making it to the village – once there she would be safe. The idea was good, but it failed at the first hurdle; she was caught before she could even get out of the room. She was almost at the door when she was brought short by a sharp jerk on her top, the back of which had been grabbed by the killer she was trying to elude.

“Where the hell d’you think you’re going?”

The question, which was all but shouted in Emily’s face, was accompanied by a yank that sent her spinning and stumbling across the room. She hit the bed and fell over it, landing heavily on the floor on the other side of it; unaware that her call to the police station had been answered, Emily lost her grip on the phone, it bounced from her hand and slid out of sight under the bed. Being far more concerned with protecting herself from the maniac who was obviously intent on causing her serious harm, and most likely on killing her, Emily struggled to her feet, at least she tried to, before she could make it further than her knees she was grabbed and thrown onto her back.

“What the hell were you doing looking around in my car?” he demanded, punching Emily in the face as she tried to sit up. “Why are you so fucking nosey? I said, why are you so fucking nosey?” Grabbing Emily by the front of her t-shirt, he pulled her up so he could punch her again, as a punishment for not answering him, not that she could have done so for the first blow had rocked her head back so that it struck the bedside cabinet behind her.

Again and again he repeated his question, voicing it in different ways, and again and again he hit Emily when she didn’t answer him. Finally, it sank in that he was not going to get an answer because Emily was incapable of providing one. Once he realised that, he let go of her t-shirt, leaving her to drop to the floor with a thud. While the thud echoed around the bedroom, the madness that had overcome him began to fade and sense, or some semblance of it, began to return to his mind, though not before he was struck by a last – for the time being – burst of open insanity.

“Look what you’ve made me do. Look at the mess you’ve made me make.” He kicked Emily in the stomach; he was tempted to kick her again, but forced himself to hold back. He couldn’t afford himself the luxury of wasting any more time; now that the madness was gone, and he was thinking a little more clearly, he realised that he had to move quickly if he wanted to avoid getting caught.

He had no idea how much time he had before Zara got home, and he had to get Emily’s body out of there before she did, before she could see what he had done. He didn’t know where he could take her – he certainly couldn’t dump her body where he had dumped Georgina and Lucy, that would be the first place the police would look, but having a destination wasn’t half as important as getting her out of the house.

He looked out of the window quickly, to be sure the yard was clear, then he bent to grab Emily by the front of her t-shirt. With a heave, He lifted her up from the floor; he had a good set of muscles, but it took all his strength to get the dead weight of her to his shoulder, even though she was not all that heavy, and he staggered a little as he made his way out of the room.


The above is still in the rewrite stage and hasn’t gone through editing, so I hope you will forgive any mistakes there might be.

Anger – Asperger’s Girl Anja Melissa Explains

This is yet another article on this subject that I feel a whole-hearted resonance with – I have experienced everything said here myself.

 

I don’t talk about my anger issues any more. They are behind me now and I don’t like to dwell on negative things in the past. When I was younger I was much more explosive and even exper…

Source: Anger – Asperger’s Girl Anja Melissa Explains

Blocked

Today I am suffering the agony of writer’s block – not with regard to my books, I’m in editing mode on Where There’s A Will and it’s going really well, and I’m pretty sure if I were to sit down with one of my many book ideas I would have no problem there. No, I’m suffering writer’s block when it comes to this blog; most of what I have posted so far have been reviews of one sort or another, with some random stuff which might give you all a few details about me – namely that I suffer from mental health issues and the approach of winter is giving me a bit of a kicking.

I wanted to write something a little more upbeat, something perhaps, dare I even suggest it, a little fun; I even considered writing a bit about myself so you could all get to know the other side of me, beyond the writing and the mental health issues. My good intentions, however, are not going so, well, good; I have so far started and deleted 3 posts because I couldn’t think where to go with them, and now I’m not sure what direction to take.

I’m not really comfortable with talking about myself, but I’ve heard that one of the best ways to connect with potential readers, and this is the main reason I set up this blog, is to let them get to know you, both as an author and as a person, so here goes.

Alex R Carver is not my real name; I have decided, for several reasons, one of them being the issues I have as a sufferer of autism/aspergers and other mental health problems, that I don’t wish to publish under my own name, so I picked a name I was comfortable with and which, although no outlandish, might stand out a little.

Despite ‘hiding’ behind a pen name, I think first and foremost I should reassure you all that whatever I reveal of myself on this blog, it is the real me.

Now, onto me, who I am and what I like; this is likely to be more of a list of qualities and interests than anything else right now, but I intend expanding on what I tell of you of myself as time passes by. From time to time I will put up posts that reveal more about me, and which touch on my interests, you can also check out my social media – such as it is, I’m not really one for social media – to find out a little more about me.

A few facts:

I’m almost 40 (a lot closer to it than I’m comfortable with)

I have brown hair

I generally have stubble, because I’m lazy about shaving

I’m little under average height, and a little (perhaps more than a little) overweight

Reading is one of my biggest pleasures, I cannot begin to guess at how many books I’ve read in my life, but there are still many more for me to go through, and I hope to get to them before I’m done.

Outside of reading, I enjoy TV and movies, and I usually have something playing in the background while I work – work being writing; I have been writing since the age of ten, when I was given an assignment in an English class to write a story, the story I came up with, which was significantly longer than those written by my fellow students, was a Famous Five style adventure that I wish I still had.

Currently I am unemployed, I don’t see that as a problem, though, because it gives me all the time in the world to follow my dream of becoming a full-time, self-employed, successful writer. My first novel, Where There’s A Will is scheduled for release in January, and I am on track to meet that target, with 5 more books already written in the Inspector Stone series (they’re currently on paper) and several other books also awaiting release, which should happen at the rate of 1 book every 4-6 months.

 

Anyway, I think that’s enough about me for now. My social media accounts, if you’d like to know more about me, are here

Twitter

Pinterest

 

Winter isn’t coming, it’s here

Okay, as many of you will realise from my title, I’m a fan of Game of Thrones, I like both the books and the tv series, though with every season they become more and more separate. This post isn’t really about either, however, so sorry to those who have found there way here because of the GoT connection in the title.

I’m writing today about actual winter, that horrible thing that happens at this time of the year when the sun disappears, the clouds gather, it rains, the temperature drops horrendously and the rain changes to snow.

During this time moods drop and motivation can be hard to come by, just getting out of bed can be incredibly difficult, and you (or at least I) want to eat constantly. As a sufferer of mental health problems, this period of the year is even tougher for me to get through, and I don’t even have the advantage of a regular job, with a boss breathing down my neck, to encourage me to get up and do things.

I am currently unemployed, officially at least, while  I work on establishing myself as a published and successful writer. That means I have to get myself up and at the computer if I want to get anything done and make any progress, which is far from easy.

We’re currently in the early stages of winter here in the UK, and I am already going through copious amounts of coffee every day, along with lots of chocolate and other unhealthy snacks, in an effort to give me the energy to work. I also have to hug a hot water bottle to get warm enough to do anything – I’m really not looking forward to the arrival of full winter.

 

Bristol in the Snow

Commuters make their way over Brunel’s suspension bridge in Clifton, Bristol following a night of heavy snow across the UK. Up to 15cm of snow has fallen overnight causing widespread traffic disruption and school closures. 18 January 2013

I’m curious, and would really appreciate some answers in the comments, what do you all do, especially the indie writers and self-employed people among my readers, to motivate yourselves and make sure you keep working and get things done?

Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I’ve chosen writing as a career. Okay, so I haven’t exactly ‘chosen’ it, I’ve been writing for most of my life, I believe I’m better than average at it, and I have been out of work for a while so it seems sensible to try and make a living out of a hobby that does have a potential income attached to it.

Days like today, though, make me wonder if I’m really cut out for it. I had a writing career previously under another name, it was only a hobbyist kind of thing then, and circumstances forced me to give it up, but before they did I was starting to do well enough that I was making enough money to believe I could do it full time.

Now I am back at the beginning, trying to get my books ready for release, and trying to promote the novella I have already released. My novella is free on Kindle today and tomorrow to try and generate some interest and I have been looking around for places to promote and let people know about my freebie; one of the places I visited is the Amazon discussion boards, where I made one post before getting discouraged and deciding not to bother.

The rules of the discussion boards have changed since I was last there, several years ago, and apparently you are no longer allowed to promote your own books there, as was pointed out to me almost straight away – that’s fine, I can live with that, I wasn’t aware of it but am now; my problem is that the person who pointed it out to me spotted one typo in my post, which was written quickly, and immediately declared that if my post is anything to go by my book must be unreadable.

I don’t mind that I was told what I posted was against the rules, I don’t mind either that my spelling mistake was pointed out to me, what I mind is the pretty rude way my book is declared bad – without it even being looked at – on the basis of 1 post on a forum. This has reminded me of why I didn’t much like the amazon discussion boards when I was using them before, there’s a lot of rude people on there, people who feel they can be insulting just because they can; as I remember, the behaviour tripped over into trolling on a few occasions, which gets to me.

This kind of thing does nothing to help me with my issues surrounding socialising and interacting with people; I’m already struggling with them. I don’t do well at dealing with people, and encountering rude or inconsiderate people makes me want to withdraw and avoid the entire social media world, whichever corner of it I might be trying.

My first full-length novel is due out in January, and I know I’m going to have to work something out before then. Right now I’m thinking I will be doing very little with social media, it’s just not me, and sticking with paid advertising, at least until I can afford to hire someone to handle the social media stuff for me.

If anyone has good suggestions on how to handle this stuff without making my brain go into meltdown and giving me panic attacks that send me running for the hills, I’d really appreciate it.

Mega stressed!

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I just knew today was going to be a bad day when I had to get up early for an appointment I didn’t want to go to and found the weather overcast and rubbish. I followed that up by burning my pop-tarts and having to endure a series of very personal questions at my appointment that brought up some unpleasant childhood memories (not that I remember much of my childhood, I’ve blocked most of it out).

The result of that was that I felt an incredibly craving for sugar, so I stopped off at Tesco and bought this

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I had calmed down a little by the time I got home and was thinking that I should have shown some restraint, and that my waistline will not thank me for all this rubbish I now have to eat. That reduction in my stress and generally low mood didn’t last long, however, for in the post I received a letter from the job centre, with a form to fill out explaining why they should give me the sickness benefit they’ve already said they are giving me; why I need to fill out this form when they already have a letter from my doctor explaining why I’m not fit for work, I don’t know.

Immediately my stress levels went back up, and proceeded to climb steadily higher as I went through the form and had to provide the same answer again and again to different, but basically the same, question. By the end of it I felt as though my head was going to explode and I was ready to shout at anyone or anything, including the dog, that came near me; I am also now ready to eat everything I bought in one sitting and damn my waistline.